The End

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to share my thoughts and feelings here. They ‘hurt’ others.
So why bother having it open?
Thanks to everyone that came to sometimes share.
P*L* ~ rA!N

Even Love Makes You Feel Empty

I don’t think mentally I am ready for what is going to happen soon. I know physically I’m not. Every insecurity I have about myself has flocked back into the forefront. I’m ugly, my body is ugly, it is disgusting. And there is no possible way I can allow myself to be naked in front of her. As I sit here right now, alone, and feeling so very alone, I also feel so full, so full of nothing, but feel so heavy. I have refused myself food today. Im sure I will refuse tomorrow as well. I feel unwanted, unworthy, and unpretty. I’m crying, so hard. And yet as there is so much to cry about, I have no idea why I am in this in this moment. All I want to do is feel loved, and wanted…and yet here I am all alone. Just like everyday, here I sit alone.

I believe I have been lying to myself for a long time over this, about this, for this. I kept feeling like everything was so clear, everything felt so right. But in reality I think I have been numbing myself over the obvious.  Even when I took the appropriate steps towards figuring this out, I slipped right back into the same drowning pool. I am sinking. And I am alone.

No matter  how many times someone says, “I love you” in a day to you, or vise versa and you say it to them, if you are away from that person…no matter what the feeling. No matter what the emotion it involves, they are just words. Words. Sometimes they mean what they are supposed to but most times right now…they are just words. Empty words.

Maybe they don’t mean how they are taken…but how do you take them when even love makes you feel empty.

I cant miss you anymore

I dont want to miss you anymore

And thats all I can seem to do.

…This long distance is killing me…

A Question Which Will Never Be Answered

Why I am laying here crying out for you is a question I continue to ask myself.
A question I don’t think I will ever have an answer for.
Screaming for someone….who will never be there.
Only proves my fate, only proves what I have known all along…
I am alone…

rA!N-ism Of The Day: Who I Am

‘Masochist’ – getting pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain, inflicted by others or by oneself

Frozen

I am alone, frozen in place. My heart beating out of my chest. Lost without a trace. Insomnia plaguing my need to rest.

Im lonely, frozen in place. A head full of depression. No more smiles to roam my face. For I am alone, with nothing to learn from this hurtful lesson.

Leave me alone, let me be. I will be okay. Discretion is the key. For now on, forever n a day. It will be lonely rA!N falling from me.

14-11-11

12″40am

rA!N-ism of the day: Beats No More

I have come to realize, I’m slowly dying from loneliness.

It will be my demise.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Until my lonely heart beats

No

More.

rA!N-ism of the Day: Suck it up Buttercup

I keep wondering over and over again what I have done so badly in my life to deserve this. I know I havent always done the right thing, but I learn from my mistakes and I keep moving forward. I know I haven’t always been the best that I can be, the best wife, daughter, sister, friend….person. I have fucked up many times. I keep fucking up it seems. I can only come up with 2 conclusions as to why I keep getting pushed down. I dont deserve to be happy…or its karma. Karma for everything I have done. I guess which ever way you look at it, it all boils down to…I just deserve what I keep getting. Nothing but pain, heartache, disappointment, failure…and despair.

I had my chance…and now its having its way with me.

Suck it up buttercup

A Recipe For Disaster

My mind hasn’t been forced to comprehend, deal with, understand, concentrate or focus on this much in a very long time.  All these emotions inside of me are so tangled I can’t figure out which to let out first. They say anger makes your heart the sickest, problem is anger is the only emotion right now that I can release. I’m angry, I’m hateful, and I am sorrowed.

Watching her sleep usually brings peace to my soul. It makes me smile. The calmness of her presence blankets my heart and sends me to a beautiful place where I can rest. Tonight…watching her sleep brings nothing but pain, more anger, and emotions so high I cant do anything but sit here and cry. I’m trying so hard to be strong for her. Not to show my emotion while she is awake, or around because I need to be the strength she lacks. Unfortunately this is so fresh. My mind is so confused. I have had no time to comprehend what has happened. I haven’t had time….for reality to set in…for the shock to where off. I am simply in shock.

The reality that is staring back at me. The reality that is bruised into her face. The pain that is strained into her voice when she talks…reality. I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am broken. I am disconnected.

Realistic things, no long feel so real. Plans that were made no longer feel legit. The future stands still, until the present has time to be lifted. Will it ever be lifted? Bottom line is: Life has just been put on hold indefinitely.

Everything has forever changed. Simple things that made love feel breath taking may no longer exist. Intimacy is no longer an option. The only thing that remains is the desperate feeling of wanting her near…now more clearly than ever…now for so many other different reasons.

I was supposed to be able to protect her, I failed miserably. I am supposed to be able to comfort her, I too was unable to do that for her.

So many what if’s. Too many regrets. So much confusion. A pile of emotions.

Reality is I’m empty and I’m angry. This is a recipe for disaster.

Top it off with a couple tears that flow from her blackened eye….

My report card doesnt look good.

Reality is, Reality Bites.

And there is not a mother fucking thing I can do to stop it….

Give In

Something has to give in…and soon. I feel trapped, with no where to go. No one to turn to. I have lived my whole life this way, you would think things would change. Or at least you would stop hoping they would change. It’s a pattern Laur. Nothing ever changes. Maybe it’s time you realized that.

Apparently there are a lot of things I need to realize. There is no maybes, there is no chance. It just is what it is. Everything is meant for…

I was meant to be how I am

I was meant to look the way I do

I was meant to be alone

I was meant to not give a damn

 

I give up…I give in…

It is what it is…its part of the pattern

It’s the past…it’s fate

It’s what I always do

Give in

 

rA!N-ism of the Day: Silently Sleep

This echo in the distance will forever remain in my ear.

The whistling breeze that flows through the air I breath

comes from the art of imitation through your creation

that rests inside this human being.

The howling rain tonight hitting my window pane scales my thoughts

and

takes me into another dimension.

For I am never alone my love.

The silent echo tonight in the distance is pounding gently against my heart,

as your feet glide across my mind.

I sit quietly and thank whom ever is listening for your presence

For I know tonight you are wondering in the rA!N.

Silently, I morn your life, your triumphs- defeats.

For no one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life.

You were living proof.

Today I morn your death beautiful one.

Lonely one.

Great one.

You gave us too much, now it’s your turn to rest.

Rest, silently.

Sleep my dear silent feet.

Sleep -

Silently.

I love you so…

June 25th 2:26am