Even Love Makes You Feel Empty
by rA!N
I don’t think mentally I am ready for what is going to happen soon. I know physically I’m not. Every insecurity I have about myself has flocked back into the forefront. I’m ugly, my body is ugly, it is disgusting. And there is no possible way I can allow myself to be naked in front of her. As I sit here right now, alone, and feeling so very alone, I also feel so full, so full of nothing, but feel so heavy. I have refused myself food today. Im sure I will refuse tomorrow as well. I feel unwanted, unworthy, and unpretty. I’m crying, so hard. And yet as there is so much to cry about, I have no idea why I am in this in this moment. All I want to do is feel loved, and wanted…and yet here I am all alone. Just like everyday, here I sit alone.
I believe I have been lying to myself for a long time over this, about this, for this. I kept feeling like everything was so clear, everything felt so right. But in reality I think I have been numbing myself over the obvious. Even when I took the appropriate steps towards figuring this out, I slipped right back into the same drowning pool. I am sinking. And I am alone.
No matter how many times someone says, “I love you” in a day to you, or vise versa and you say it to them, if you are away from that person…no matter what the feeling. No matter what the emotion it involves, they are just words. Words. Sometimes they mean what they are supposed to but most times right now…they are just words. Empty words.
Maybe they don’t mean how they are taken…but how do you take them when even love makes you feel empty.
I cant miss you anymore
I dont want to miss you anymore
And thats all I can seem to do.
…This long distance is killing me…
